the
Lipscomb    Underground
LU#13 "Give me ambiguity or give me something else"
9 April 1998
 
 
Faster than a speeding groundskeeper on an ez-go, more powerful than a toppling smoke stack, able to leap Dean Davis in a single bound, it's an insult, it's a bashing, no! It's mutual discussion in....
......the LIPSCOMB UNDERGROUND!!!

Well, this is one heck of an issue.  I know it has come quick, but I had to do something with so many responses.  If you still want to say something, don't worry - there are still issues left in the semester.

News?:  notice these 'construction' signs across campus.  It seems they have to totally unearth this place in the very near future, digging a huge trench from the steam plant to Sewell to Elam to Fanning.  Or something like that.  The funny (?) part is, that towering steam/smoke stack thingy out there is "unstable", and could fall very soon.  So, they haveta take that down.

With that useless info out of the way , I give you......the LU.

   

In This  Issue:
**Part Uno: stand up for your UNDERGROUND
**a chapel comment worth reading
**Part Zwei: still standing up for your UNDERGROUND
**da Postin' Place
**Part III: a little weary, yet still standing
**world's worst analogies

I recommend reading all of these responses, they're quite good.
On with it!

***************************************

Part Uno

Dear 5-7,
    I put your name in the queerest color I could find because, my friend, you are a pain.  I am in a social club and I happen to like b.h.  If you have anything to say about the loo please, I beg of you, tell it to me or you can just sit there and sound big to yourself and your snibbling personal problems.  It seems to me that you are the one without any friends.  You have the time to sit at a computer and disgrace God with your poor attitude towards others.  Its obvious that you have to use bad language just to make yourself feel big and bad.  I'm stopping here so that you may reply, if you wish, in any further issues of the wonderful loo.  Let the war begin my friend.
    Until that day when you stop your complaining and apologize to b.h., I am
your worst nightmare...
monk

(I like you too monkee...er, monk) bh

-------------

Dear 5-7,

Congratulations!!!!!!!!  Your entry did give me a great deal of pleasure.  I laughed for a really long time after reading your article.  No, the laughing wasn't caused by the absurd points in your entry, the poor vocabulary demonstrated, or even the ridiculous use of profanity.  Would you like to know what made me laugh so hard?????  Okay, okay, I'll tell you.........................learn to spell.  Please. Man alive, it's been a really long time since I've seen such a horrible display of spelling.
Let me make something clear before I get accused of being a "loser."  I have absolutely no personal gripes regarding social clubs.  I just felt the need to clarify that since, according to Mr. 5-7's contribution to the Loo, he apparently thinks the criterion for being a loser is simply expressing concern regarding the club system.  My concern lies in the attitude that seems to be prevalent within clubs.  Yes, bad attitudes and non-Christian behavior exist in the lowly independent world as well.  Yet, what seems to come out of the clubs is that almost all of the members share your feelings.  I know that this cannot be; I have aquaintances in clubs that are wonderful Christians.  Sadly, the loud voices from the clubs are NOT produced by the people who possess good attitudes.  Rather, the voices of the clubs are just like Mr. 5-7.  This fact alone causes the major tension between clubs and indies.  Those of you in club-land---let me urge you to keep quiet those few brothers and sisters who can express nothing but negative thoughts.  They are the folks giving the clubs a poor reputation.  This situation makes me think of the gay community.  There really isn't that many homosexuals out there.........we think otherwise because those few gays out there have such loud mouths!!!  The exact thing is going on here.
Noel Hicks

-------------

Let it not be said that I am a man who does not believe in equal time.  After my wild, frantic, throwing of punches at the Unichapel wind, I feel it would only be fair to let those Looers who do not attend Varnado Chapel (Swang 108) in on a little secret:  the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side.  Last week a certain talk was given in Varnado Chapel which would have been downright hilarious if it weren't so sacriligious.  You know sort of like most Monty Python.  Anyway, some guy named Ben actually had the balls to stand up and give a 15-20 devo based on an analogy between Christianity and farting.  To give him some credit, he'd obviously put less than 5 minutes of thought into the speech, and when he realized that he was comparing the "silent but deadly" force of the Spirit in our lives with the noxious bodily function which is the object of most elementary school jokes, he apologized to anyone he'd offended.  Too late, bud.  The damage done.
     If only this were an isolated incident.  This week another dumbfuck, this one named Nathan, thought it would be a good idea to tell an allegory.  He said that when he was a little boy and his grandparents were spending the night at his house for Christmas he would have to sleep with his little brother.  In the middle of the night, Christmas Eve, his brother woke him with a problem:  "Nathan, what do I do?  I've got to use the bathroom, but I don't want to scare Santa away.  We wouldn't get any presents."  Nathan racked his brains and came up with the ingenius "Why don't you just hold it."  While the devotional had something to do with anticipating Heaven or the second coming, I'm not sure where the allegory fit in.  His little brother ended up shiting in his underoos, but I'm not certain if that is analogous to original sin (since we humans are predetermined to be a shiting animal) or the general debased nature of humanity.  Perhaps I shouldn't try so hard.  Nathan concluded with his reason for anticipating Heaven.  Working from the everyone-gets-their-own-individualized-paradise theological model, he said that he could care less whether there was gold and jasper in Heaven, as long as there will be (in his afterlife) a blond-haired, blue-eyed, Australian chick named Debbie.  Maybe someone should tell him about the Mormon's idea of Heaven so he will convert.  Meanwhile we can rest assured that Nathan's hope for salvation is that he might be able to fuck for eternity.  Praise the Lord!  Really, this is quite serious.  I'd do something for these chapel services myself if it weren't the case that I was foreordained, determined, predestined (whatever you want to call it) for eternal damnation.  Therefore, my life is absolutely devoid of hope.  Do not let the bozos continue to make a mockery of the joy in Christ that they seem to have, particularly when the diction of certain prayers sounds something like, "God . . . it's like . . . you are like so awesome . . . and your love is so powerful . . . and like we just want to be with you . . . and like you know?"
     On a side note, not to get Varnado in trouble or anything, but, what's up with the fact that Varnado chapel is often Varnadoless.  Perhaps some of the sacralidge that takes place could be curtailed if the soft-voice-of-emotional-healing were actually in attendance.  What do you think?  Is chapel suppose to take place with no faculty or even staff on hand to supervise?  I don't think so.  There should be some rule about that to insure that the assholes in charge can't get away with going to lunch while we have to suffer through a shallow religionfest because of some David Lipscomb-written precepts that outdate our great grandparents.  As always, in the Spirit of Brotherly Kindness
     And Heavenly Love Abiding,
        Brewer

(I have seen this Nathan, and have walked out of his chapels many-a-time.  I estimate that I have listened to over 20 of his talks thru the years, and have yet to hear a relavent allegory.  Brother Brewer, I agree with you wholeheartedly, but not in as many words :)  but the one prayer "style" that absolutely drives me up the wall is almost exactly like the one you described, except they repeat words after a pause - example:  [while clenching fists and squeezing eyes tight] "God you....you are just....just so great and....and we want to praise you....to praise you and thank you....thank you for the great day....) brian

----------------

Part Zwei

Dear 5-7,

     Please forgive my confrontational tone, but your letter really pissed me off.
     I agree with your idea about people getting off their butts and solving their problems. I am personally ambivalent about social clubs; that is a personal choice. AAAaannd I believe in everyone's right to have their own opinion, however asinine. With all that said, I don't think I am stepping beyond the bounds of nice behavior when I say that your letter was rude, ham-handed, and showed very poor poise (I won't be a nitpicky jerk and pick on you about your spelling). The LU is all about people voicing their differing opinions, but in my LU experience, I have never seen anyone make such a cheap bullcrap excuse of an entry. And your insulting Holaway in such a jack-ass manner!  Talk about brass. BH is intelligent, even-handed, and objective, so I can see why you don't like what he has to say. The audacity of someone blindly insulting the medium that allows him a voice on campus (to insult that medium no less) leaves me speechless. When I read your letter, I thought,"This can't be real. This is someone's idea of a joke". Unfortunately, you are serious. In a way, I admire your guts. It takes balls to insult a few hundred people you don't even know, calling us "winers"(sic), "losers", etc.  Well "5-7", I forgive you. After all, it's not like I've never made ignorant, misinformed, blanket statements before. Yes, "losers" read the Loo, in the same way that "losers" are in social clubs - "losers" are part of life, they're everywhere. I want to be nice about this, but I just couldn't take your insulting excuse for a letter sitting down - you understand.
 
                                                    Fulla piss n' vinegar,
                                                                                 Andrew Brian Dabbs

(ah, the spirit of forgiveness.....and the pain of being fulla that other stuff - ouch! :) brain

--------------------

LU, et al,
     Hi.  This is for the brainless and gutless wonder who affronted, oh, I'm sorry, who hit (a concept I'm sure you're more familiar with) our sensibilities with (obviously) HIS foul language and generally poorly thought-out banter.
     Life.  Get used to it.  You're exactly the kind of mindless zombie who will do well in the corporate superstructure.  You'll advance fast due to your openness to living on your knees and saying "yes ma'am, yes sir" with great frequency.  As to the rest of us, well, we'll just spend our time with a concept that YOU COULDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND IF YOU HAD A STAFF MEETING ABOUT IT: INDIVIDUAL THOUGHT.
     I'm sure I'd be more sympathetic (or just pathetic) if my mommy and daddy were paying all my bills and I got a job because the unimaginative moron I'm working for knows my grandpa.  But in reality, I've had to dig my way to my current socio-economic role by raw courage and wits.  Do you really think YOU are going to be competitive in a marketplace where you diligently uphold the status quo?
     Meanwhile the rest of us will remain unsatisfied with our present condition.  Sometimes we'll complain about it, but eventually we'll be empowered to change the company, the government, the system, what have you.  And then we'll sweep you and all the other lackeys back under the rug where you belong.
     For the time being, I'm going to pretend you're a freshman and give you the benefit of the doubt.  Fortunately, I'm a senior, and I'm entering a marketplace where I'll be judged for my skills, not by WHO I KNOW OR WHAT PSEUDO-SOCIAL ORGANIZATION I BELONG TO.  Maybe by the time you're in my shoes, you'll have wised up.  If not, NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT RAISE.
       Sincerely,
                      Tim

-------------------

    Greetings LUers.  I was amazed that 5-7 was so intelligent.  Weren't you.  Man, he convinced me that I was a looser, because I couldn't cuss enough in my offerings to the LU.  I did want to clarify a few things to him though.  I could have easily gotten in a Social Club.  I decided not to.  I didn't like groups much, so not everyone who doesn't like Social Clubs is a looser that couldn't get in.  It sounded to me like he was in a social club.  And of course he got in because he was take because he was the "Epidome" (for those of you that may know that reference) of an outstanding man.  I don't think he realized that an open forum is one of the first steps in the democratic process.  He must have missed that day in government, he was no doubt in English class studding the highly complex vocabulary he uses.   For someone who professes not to tell everyone what he does not like, he sure seemed to say he didn't like the Underground.  However our outstanding man of the Year, 5-7, asked a good question. What are we going to do if we don't like our boss in the real world?  I will tell you.  The first two things you can do is  talk to your boss or talk to his superior. And if you have talked to others and found they have the same problems with the boss, when you talk to these people changes happen a lot faster. Just and observation FROM the real
world for 5-7.
    Well I hope everyone has learned from Mr. 5-7's great diatribe.  I know it enlightened me vastly.  Take care of yourselves and remember that Lipscomb is not Eden and can be changed if YOU start trying to make it better.

-Jason Wade
lingam@bellsouth.net

----------------------

Dear 5-7,
     you're silly.
              6' 2"

Also, i have another lightbulb joke.

        How many club members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

                      five-one to change the bulb and four to design and print t-shirts commemorating the event.

    Now keep in mind that this is not to begin yet another club/independent war (if i wanted to do that, i would have added "the rest of the club to harrass the pledges and one to buy the beer"). This is simply a joke that i was told based on a funny observation.

    And to Jason Wade.  Look, man, you have some very good points.  Some i agree with, some i don't, but they're good points. But please do us a favor.  Please recognize the fact that we are all aware of how much you dislike this school.  I'm not crazy about it myself but i don't constantly tell everyone i meet.  Some people like it, some don't, and that's all fine.  But it's very boring when every entry includes the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over and over (see, it starts sounding like a techno song after a while).
    And to Jason Wade.  Look, man, you have some very good points.  Some i agree with, some i don't, but they're good points. But please do us a favor.  Please recognize the fact that we are all aware of how much you dislike this school.  I'm not crazy about it myself but i don't constantly tell everyone i meet.  Some people like it, some don't, and that's all fine.  But it's very boring when every entry includes the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over and over (see, it starts sounding like a techno song after a while).
    And to Jason Wade.  Look, man, you have some very good points.  Some i agree with, some i don't, but they're good points. But please do us a favor.  Please recognize the fact that we are all aware of how much you dislike this school.  I'm not crazy about it myself but i don't constantly tell everyone i meet.  Some people like it, some don't, and that's all fine.  But it's very boring when every entry includes the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over and over (see, it starts sounding like a techno song after a while).
    And to Jason Wade.  Look, man, you have some very good points.  Some i agree with, some i don't, but they're good points. But please do us a favor.  Please recognize the fact that we are all aware of how much you dislike this school.  I'm not crazy about it myself but i don't constantly tell everyone i meet.  Some people like it, some don't, and that's all fine.  But it's very boring when every entry includes the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over and over (see, it starts sounding like a techno song after a while).
    And to Jason Wade.  Look, man, you have some very good points.  Some i agree with, some i don't, but they're good points. But please do us a favor.  Please recognize the fact that we are all aware of how much you dislike this school.  I'm not crazy about it myself but i don't constantly tell everyone i meet.  Some people like it, some don't, and that's all fine.  But it's very boring when every entry includes the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over and over (see, it starts sounding like a techno song after a while).
    And to Jason Wade.  Look, man, you have some very good points.  Some i agree with, some i don't, but they're good points. But please do us a favor.  Please recognize the fact that we are all aware of how much you dislike this school.  I'm not crazy about it myself but i don't constantly tell everyone i meet.  Some people like it, some don't, and that's all fine.  But it's very boring when every entry includes the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over and over (see, it starts sounding like a techno song after a while).
    And to Jason Wade.  Look, man, you have some very good points.  Some i agree with, some i don't, but they're good points. But please do us a favor.  Please recognize the fact that we are all aware of how much you dislike this school.  I'm not crazy about it myself but i don't constantly tell everyone i meet.  Some people like it, some don't, and that's all fine.  But it's very boring when every entry includes the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over and over (see, it starts sounding like a techno song after a while).
    And to Jason Wade.  Look, man, you have some very good points.  Some i agree with, some i don't, but they're good points. But please do us a favor.  Please recognize the fact that we are all aware of how much you dislike this school.  I'm not crazy about it myself but i don't constantly tell everyone i meet.  Some people like it, some don't, and that's all fine.  But it's very boring when every entry includes the same thoughts over and over and over and over and over and over and over (see, it starts sounding like a techno song after a while).
     --gregole

(you have me laughing again gregole) bh
 

***************************THE POSTIN PLACE**************************
Rollerblades - "Metroblade" - size 11 - $90
endtable - glass top - @3'x3' - $10
************************************************************************

Part III

In Defense of Doc....
    Hey five seven, or whatever you call yourself, no one asked you to subscribe.  if you don't see a reason for having the loo, pretend like you never heard of it, and we'll pretend (gladly!!) that we never heard of you.
however, i would like to pretend that you exist just this once so that i can respond to your ridiculous message.
Brian has 17 or more hours of school this semester, as well as working and having an internship.  He might also be getting married, but you didn't hear that from me.  (hopefully you can at LEAST understand that all of this in one semester is no easy task)
    Plus, he has very graciously carried on a tradition that few did then or will now step forward to take.  this includes making it accessible to a large # of readers, pleasing to the eye (and now, to the ear); gathering and organizing the responses, narrowing his creativity to fit many issues, finding someone to take his place, keeping a relatively unbiased approach, putting up with idiotic responses such as yours, etc.
It's not as easy as you seem to think, and he's doing it in his free time.
thanks for reading, please don't come back.  :) :)  bons

(awww shucks.  thanks) brian

-------------------------

Wow, 5-7!  It sure is easy to be narrow-minded and hypocritical, isn't it?  We should all take a lesson from you on how not to whine about things and be more social (insert scoff here).  I particularly enjoyed the amicable way in which you called several dozen people  "sniffling little pukes", while having met none of them.  And just so you'll know, the LU was designed to be an open forum for the opinions of ALL students (the losers, whiners, pukes, and even you) so that the views and issues discussed within it could be brought to the attention of the administration.  If my future workplace is comprised of 2500 employees, I certainly hope that myself and my fellow employees can make our opinions (pathetic as they may be) known in and organized and civil fashion (though its much more fun to just scream and cuss, huh?)  I said all that to say this:  Your comments reek of both ignorance and arrogance.  And now you know what I don't like, but I guess that's just my opinion.  By the way, if these comments are a little difficult for you to understand, do feel free to add in some f--ks and sh-ts wherever you may need them for the sake of clarity.

 Mike (I had enough time on my hands to come up with a name!!!)

(he insulted more than several dozen people - I have 5 distribution lists totaling over 250 people) holaway

------------------------

Brian,
      I wnat to respond to what the guy in the latest underground wrote, that guy who called himself 5-7.  He decides to go off and bash the people who write in the underground, calling them wining pukes.  Telling them they are losers, and have no life.  Well 5-7 this is for you!
    Though I have been provoked to do so to you.  You say the people in here wine and complain about little problems, what is it that you just did!  If that wasn't wining then please let us all know what in the hell it was.  You are far more of a baby than any of the people who write will ever be.  You said you only read one edition of the LU cause you thought it would be cool to read and then you go and write like you have been following it all year.  You have no clue what the LU is about and you prove it by oppening your big gay mouth when it should be shut!  You are the exact reason that individuals HATE social clubs.  Your attitude is perfect for a social club!  You tell others they are losers and really you are the one who is the loser you just try to hide through insults and belittlement.  (do you know what belittlement means honey??)  Or am I talking to far above your social club head?  The issues talked about in here are in the process of being taken into consideration by the dean, DICKHEAD!  People will always have their opinion, and your opinion sucks!  So to you 5-7 I hope YOU enjoyed this entry!!  :-D
  In the words of a great actor,  "Keep Talking!"
       Shawn

(for some reason I get the feeling you all don't like 5-7)  brain

----------------

After today's chapel information session, I guess some Lipscomb students have some more things about which to complain. I read the response one profane person wrote about how the underground is just a bunch of whinings and that people should get out and do something to make a difference rather than to simply complain about it. I tend to agree with that guy to a certain extent. I don't think whining is good, but sometimes people need to talk about the things that are bothering them about a school or anything else, because they feel like they're alone with a certain feeling. Knowing that others are experiencing the same worries is comforting and can lead to some of those actions which will bring about a change.
kevin

(that's what we're here for) bh

-----------------

5 - 7,
     You have kindled my anger.  Underground newspapers were around long before you were accidentally conceived.  They are a medium for free expression that might not otherwise exist.  They allow people to speak up without worrying about fear of retaliation from overbearing administrators and group leaders.
     By insulting the LU, you have insulted its readers.  (Just wondering, are you a freshman?  I'm betting you are.  You don't sound cynical enough to be an upperclassman.)   The nature of the LU allowed your pathetic post to remain anonymous (lucky for you).  It allowed you to speak your feeble mind freely.  And yet, you use this privilege to insult the medium through which you are communicating.  You truly are an idiot.  People like you make me sick.

>Dude, you've got way too much time on your hands!
I've got enough time to break a chair over your head.  I have the means, the patience,  and the motivation to ruin your college life.  Don't tempt me again, boy.

Clay Chambers

(I'm hearing applause...)brian

 

***************************************
CHEESY FILLER
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"contest.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
***************************************
Excellent. Simply excellent.  I speak for all looers, across the fruited plain and beyond when I say:  thanks for the defense of the LU.  Alright, enough of that crap.

Several interesting circumstances have come about in my life within the past 48 hours.  It seems that I will not be graduating in August as previously said.  Instead, I will depart from this port in December (long story, let me know if you want details].  That's not to say that I will solely do these issues in the fall, but I will certainly make sure they remain.  I've put too much work into this to let it fall by the way, and most of the 256 of you, and still adding, obviously want the loo to remain as well.  I appreciate your support, and I'll keep you updated.

But until then, keep a level head,
continue to respond,
and for God sakes, watch out for falling smoke stacks.
I am,
the jollymon
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

something else

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 9 April 1998
1998 Lipscomb Underground Productions.
LU#13 "Give me ambiguity or give me something else"