LU#6 "Hospitality Suites"
Volume VI - Number 146
February 15, 2000

entertainment. . .pure entertainment
marathoner? scroll down
*a special LU-offer!*
re: LU#5
some LU-vets return
Lady Bison comment

        Thanks for coming back for another round of LU. Before we dive in, let me remind you to be thinking of possible categories and nominations for our first semesterly Lipscomb Underground Awards, which will be referred to from this day forward as "The Undies."
Definite categories will be Professor of the Semester and Reply of the Semester. After that, we're open to suggestions. Send in your nominations through February, March and early April.
        Enjoy the show.

It has been long since I last posted to Ye Olde Lipscomb Undergrounde - last semester, in fact. Loo #16, November 18, 1999 to be precise. I'm not slacking off; I've just decided that not everything necessitates a knee-jerk, reactionary comment. I have now decided I have something to say. What I originally planned on writing was a not so brief essay on the origin of communication breakdown between students and administration. I scraped the idea. It would have been a bit dry and would have crossed over several Loos. As everyone here has short attention spans, I decided this would be a bad idea. Seeing as how many of the posts in the last Loo were dedicated to Coach and the Cheerleaders, I have chosen to write instead on a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. It also is rather lengthy, but, as I have proudly proclaimed before, I am the Anti-Hemingway. It is intended to be comedic in nature, and in no way reflects the truth (but what is Truth, anyway).

It has long been a matter of suspicion among me and my various and sundry friends that the Lipscomb cheerleaders are actually robots. Oh, we all know that at least one of them is real. You know, the short, blonde one who does the flips at the games and recently suffered an injury requiring her to wander about on crutches? But how many people ever actually see the other cheerleaders? I suspect that not one of you has a class with any of them. (if you do, please keep silent. we need all the circumstantial evidence we can get in order to make this conspiracy grow.) Why don't THEY do flips at the games? (again, ixnay on the ruthtay (or would it be uthtray?)) Why, you ask, would the Board actually purchase something? Robot maintenance is cheaper than cheerleading scholarships (i've always wondered what cheerleading has to do with the scholar in scholarships myself). Why do you think they only know a few, basic cheers? Limited memory (i know a few of you would argue that limited memory is just a malaise found in ALL cheerleaders, but my little sister is a cheerleader back home and, well, blood is thicker than generalizations). In doing research on this subject(yeah, right), I came across an old Backlog photograph from 1936 showing the David Lipscomb College cheerleading squad. Guess what? Exact same cheerleaders! (if you believe that, you probably believe that forced worship is good for the soul)

It is a commonly held belief that Coach Sanderson is simply an upgrade in SportsRobot technology. Whereas our cheerleaders are older models, Coach Sanderson is an Asimov 2000 (A2K). He has a much larger memory store, allowing him to focus on an entire field rather than a single task. His programmed field is, of course, basketball. The Board spared no expense on this new prototype. Are any of you 100% sure that Coach Sanderson actually eats? Of course not. He's just storing the food in an internal storage chamber until he is alone. Spared no expense. He will lead us to victory, especially since his eyes are actually telescopic and can read the opposing team's playbook. Spared no expense. Sounds sort of like Jurassic Park to me.

Has the Board gone off the deep end? Sure seems like it. First a beacon for the UFO's. Now a robotic coach. And its all part of the master plan to involve us in the NCAA D1, which we all know is simply a front for the 33rd degree Scottish Rite Masons. How better to control the world than through sports? What's next? How many would dare bet that the new arena will have five sides? Yep, just like the Pentagon and Microsoft's research and development complex.

The bum was one of THEM. Be glad he didn't do an anal probe.

No, I haven't gone off the deep end. Y'all are just a little jumpy, and I wanted to out-do all y'all in seeing spooks. Not that there aren't real problems on this campus, but magical, crowd pumping dances being performed by a robot don't rate high on my list. The archeological excavation on the Granny White side of the Student Center is of far greater concern for me. Fortune and glory, kid; fortune and glory.

In closing, lyrics to a song by Buffalo Springfield (Bison Springfield?)
Paranoia strikes deep.
Into your life it will creep.
It starts when you're always afraid.
You step out of line, the man come and take you away.

Jackson Doyle

(You've noticed it, too? Ha! we're on to them, oh yes, we're on to them.) rg


While highlight-reel plays in sports can be entertaining, the most exciting plays in sports are generated not by theatrics of spectacular plays, but by dramatic circumstances surrounding a play. A tip-in on a missed shot is fairly routine; when Derrick Williams tips in a shot at the buzzer against Union to force overtime, it's exciting. Michael Jordan hitting a pull-up jumper in transition is commonplace; when it's the last shot of his career in the NBA Finals against the Jazz, it's historic. Even highlight-caliber plays take on an added sense of greatness when they occur in clutch situations. For example, a kickoff that gets returned for a touchdown is a nice play, but when it occurs with 16 seconds left in a playoff game with the return team trailing by 1, it becomes one of the greatest plays in the history of the NFL. Sports can be exciting without slam dunks and homeruns.

Exciting situations occur when the pressure is on: the two minute warning, the fourth quarter, the ninth inning, etc. The same applies to the overall season; the final games of the regular season, when a battle for playoff spots is tight, generates extra excitement. It's also fun to cheer for an underdog in a close game or a tight playoff race. It's exciting to see a player or a team overcome adversity.

For those of you who defended Scott Sanderson and his crowd- pumping, this was an oft-repeated point, and a good one. There are crucial moments in a game, and the crowd may play a role in those situations. The Sanderson supporters also defended the gesture as a part of Sanderson's personal style. I can live with that.

BUT (and you had to know a 'but' was coming), if excitement comes from dramatic situations, rather than flashy plays, then I must ask, where are all the fans during the women's games? There won't be any dunks, but there is an underdog, a team overcoming an unbelievable amount of adversity, and a tight playoff race. Since Christmas there have been five home games against ranked teams, and four of them were six point games (or less) with four minutes remaining. Our fans were outnumbered IN MCQUIDDY against Freed, Union, and Lindsey Wilson, and the Trevecca crowd outnumbered ours by four to one. That game, by the way, was lost by only six points. And according to many of you, the crowd plays such a crucial role. We have a sixth man, but so much for the sixth woman. Frank Bennett isn't going to pump up the crowd; it's not his style. More importantly, there wasn't a crowd to fire up.

The Lady Bisons, though they don't have the 26-2 record of the Bisons, are right in the middle of a tight playoff race, tied for second with Freed in the Western Division of the TranSouth. In all likelihood, they will be back in the Top 25 in the February 15 NAIA poll. Too bad there are only two regular season home games left. Maybe our fans could have made a difference.

Jerry Sloan


This is in reply to the homeless man found wandering the halls of High Rise. I am a High Rise resident myself and find it apalling that someone like that, apparantly smelling strongly of alcohol, could just saunter into our "home" and badger the residents for money under the guise of prayer. It was said that this man was a former student, so he knew the people here would probably be a little more sympathetic to his plight, i.e. willing to pray with him. I did not know that this happened here and am a little confused. How did he get past the front desk? Where were the people that should have been working there? I know that when I come in after midnight there is always a "friendly and helpful" lobby attendant there to make sure I sign their little clipboard. It stands to reason that one of these employees of the college, whose job is to make sure all is well in the dorm, would have taken the initiative to think, "Hey, he doesn't look like a student, in fact, he looks like a homeless man. Is that alcohol I smell? Maybe I will just ask him if there is something I can help him with." I think that the concern here should be great. What if this guy did have a knife or a gun. What if when the students turned down his request for money, he snapped and killed someone. Being a resident here, and just an elevator ride away for the next wandering psycho, I find that just a bit disconcerting. Secondly, I am unbelieveably concerned that it took TWO calls to our security office to get a response. That is absolutely unacceptable. Their job is our safety. This was a VERY unsafe situation, not to mention a lawsuit waiting to happen. You can rest assured that had I been the victim of a random act of violence here, given the circumstances, there would have been severe legal action. I'm sure there must have been a good reason for them to blow off this call, I just can't come up with one. Maybe that is something that should be investigated further.

In closing, this whole situation stinks. It could have easily escalated into an extremely dangerous scene. Some things need to be examined, some people need to be re-introduced to their jobs. In the meantime, I guess I'll stay out of the dorm as much as possible.



are there any Lipscomb students out there training for the upcoming Country Music Marathon? If so, I'd like to meet and encourage them as a fellow trainee.



***Don't Question My Sanity, There Isn't Anything Left To Answer***

First, I'd like to say...yes, chapel is required. You'll only get what you put into it. You can get something good out of it. Its for praising God. Okay. Enough. (On rare occasions, I really really enjoy chapel.)

Now on another note: I've have figured out a wonderful plan. Everything is about advertising. Commercials here, billboards there, and it has reached media after media, sport after sport. But there are SO many facets still not flooded with beloved advertising. Bordellos! That's right. Houses of ill repute. Whore houses. The great part is that it would finally break the legal barrier that disallows sex in exchange for money and services. The sex is free. Who's going to arrest you for free sex? The house could be plastered on the inside with advertisements from various companies, the person could be wearing lingerie with Nascar style sponsors, and/or the person could be tattooed with advertisements(fake tattoos.... changeable ads). Imagine the money to be had from this market! Anyone with marketing experience want to help me get this started? Also need some uh, sexual volunteers and investors cause I don't have a house laying around.

I enjoyed the concerned alumni's response. It's important that we have concerned alumni.
Also, non-students reply at absolutely no risk. Even less risk since people either don't know them or they are faculty/staff/administration people that we wouldn't mess with.

Have I ever mentioned how wonderful time is?

Yet another note....let's not forget in our quest to change the world with the LU that we can still just plainly discuss our differing opinions and have fun. If the LU stops having fun....if it becomes a completely "respectable" venue...will it always have the freedom and glory that it is still clinging to? Personally, I've gotten this sinking suspicion that people wish to weed out the less than intelligent replies, the less than serious thought out responses, and the less than your mother could read without cringing thoughts. I'm proposing that we stop weeding anyone out. Bash them, fine. But don't discourage to the point that our garden holds nothing but roses...roses are nice but they aren't nearly as special when there isn't a single competing flower like the lily, daffodil, daisy, and buttercup. I hope I've caught this crowd before half the crowd has left...though I'm quite afraid I haven't.

Also...I'm directing the one act play called "Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil" with a wonderful cast of 8 brilliant actors and actresses during February 17-19. Two other one act plays are being performed each night, before mine, "The Pot Boiler" and after mine, "Press Clippings" being directed by Rachel Holman and Jackson Doyle, respectively. They each have a wonderful cast also. Come out and see if this year's directors can live up to the high standards of previous years. 7:30 each night, you know you've got nothing better nor of such high quality to do.

I couldn't resist submitting a poem...

There is a Thing

There is a thing
which knocks on my door
and knocks, and knocks

reminds me of ticking clocks
with the force of a boar
it fills me with wanting

yet the wish is daunting
and teases me much and more
makes the butterflies flutter and fly

I gather them together in "Hi"
hoping I have opened the door

And no...that isn't my best work...but it works.
And thus I leave wreaking havoc in the hollow echoing caves of Lipscomb,
I am Vraeden, for those of you with very short memories, that's Marcus Jermaine Cathey


As new observers to the Underground, we can not help but notice the stupid ravings of a person calling himself Daniel. We are amazed that someone so pompous and arrogant has not gotten his behind beaten yet.Anyway, let me tell you about the many problems that we have with your ideas and logic.

First, your essay for the clep test most likely sucked. By the way you write in the Underground, you should most likely be in some sort of freshman(high school)english for idiots class.

Second, who are the laymen you refer to? If you are referring to those who did not like Professor Smith, than you are a closed minded prick. But, you probably knew that already unless you have your head up your behind like we think you do. We did not like Professor Smith's style because he acts just like you, arrogant. Its not that we could not understand, its just that his annoying style turned us off before he could address his message.

Third, we doubt that the Babbler, has the space to print a story about a homeless man in High Rise. If the Babbler chose to print that story, we would hunt down the staff and beat them for publishing a story that no one cares about. Anyone can enter the dorms before midnight. And the part about you complaining about security is just your way of causing trouble for a hard working group of people.

In conclusion, we believe you should stop writing in the Underground and should eliminate yourself from society. The world need less of you. Go outside, crawl under a rock, and die you freakin idiot.

The Freshman Class


I just want to say publicly: Great Job by Dean McDowell in chapel. He has given me more challenges in chapel this semester than anyone in my three years here. I still think the whole idea of U.B. is dumb - just some way to semantically get around what is written in the charter. Can anyone argue that U.B. is simply chapel with an extra point in the talk? That is all that I see. I appreciate what the administration is trying to do with it. I think it is really for the benefit of us the students. I just wish they wouldn't try to pull it over on us like it is for the spiritual well being of us. It appears that in actuality that what university chapel/bible, whatever its called, is just the administration's way of drawing more students here by eliminating a class they have to have. Oh, and remember that the daily BIbles are now 2 hours so that we can "still get two hours credit for our Bible classes." Or should that be so that the school can still get there 2 hours tuition for our Bible classes? Interesting. I need to stop being so cynical . . . I just can't get around it.

Anyways, great job Dean McDowell. I am looking forward to Dr. Connelly's lessons next.

Until university chapel is called Your Way Out of Daily Bible Class

Metz '79



Daniel- You are so naive it makes me want to throw up. Where do you feel safe at? Church? the mall? class? Home? NEWSFLASH TO DANNY BOY. I and anyone with half a brain COULD EASILY KILL YOU WITH A GUN AT ANY OF THESE PLACES!!! What I will do on my 21st birthday is simple. I will go down to GUN CITY, purchase a Rugger 9mm, and keep it with me always. Except when I go to MTSU or when I visit my buds up on tres in SEWELL. In America today people need to realize the importance of Protecting the Liberties that were guaranteed to us in the Constitution.

VOTE FOR John McCain

ps. no one is ever "Safe"

pss. Anyone on the LU care about the Confederate flag in South Carolina? I say let it fly.



  as part of an Underground sequel. . .

from the people who brought you Smokestack Commemorative Bricks. . .

it's time to get your. . .

McQuiddy Commemorative Bricks!!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, in light of the sad news that our beloved (?), historical gymnasium is being dismantled, the LIPSCOMB UNDERGROUND is bringing you this special offer.  For a limited time only, receive your "McQuiddy Commemorative Brick", straight from the bottom of the gym (because that's all we could reach) for only $99.95!!!  (As an added bonus, for an extra $15.95, Dr. McKelvey will personally "pray for your soul."  Or if you're not that concerned about eternity, for a small charge of $10.95, we'll assign it to your chapel seat for the rest of the semester!). Use your new Brick as a paperweight, footstool, or just display it for the world to see.  An item the whole family can enjoy. And if you act now, we'll engrave your brick with your name and the scripture of your choice for only $49.95 more!!!   

Now with even more scripture choices for brick engraving!!! 
(sorry, our only version choice is the NAPCOCV
-the New American Paraphrased and Completely Out of Context Version):

Do unto others what has been done to you.  

1 CHR 16:42 - And with them, Paul Prill was responsible for the nose flute and other instruments of sacred song.

Do unto others.

Do all things.

EXODUS 20:13 - Thall shall not kill, ever, not even in war, not even if you are about to be assaulted.  Killing is always a no-no.  Can't we all just get along?

EXODUS 20 - Thou shalt not drive so fast on your EZ-GO cart, lest you run over a student.

MATT 26:26-29 - And Jesus took the bread and said, "Take and eat, this is my body." Then he took the cup and said, "Take and drink, this is my blood." Then he passed the offering plate and said, "Give cheerfully, that the bills of this upper room may be paid and the work of My Father may be done in this community."

1 SAM 9:3 - Saul searched for his asses, but couldn't find them with both hands.

PSALM 98:7 - Christian rock music is bad. Don't listen to it, unless it's secular, then it's okay.

PSALM 23 - Yea though I walk through the student center, I will fear no evil.  My glock and my checkbook, they comfort me.  Even though I am surrounded by the faithless masses (social club members), I will not lose consciousness due to the overwhelming odor of "Tommy for men".   The sound of WDLU leads me to sit in the cool air of DQ and have an overpriced chicken finger basket.  Surely student loans and donation requests will follow me all the days of my life.

1 SAM 18:25 - If you really want to marry my daughter, bring me the foreskins of 100 people from New Jersey.

EPH 5:18 - Thou shalt not drink any form of alcohol.  Not even if you are by yourself and you drink in complete moderation.  Not even if there are proven health benefits.  Not even because Jesus probably drank wine several times.  Drink only beverages containing non-taboo drugs like Sun-Drop and coffee.

MATT 15:37 - They all ate, but were dissatisfied. Afterward, the Marriott employees picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.

SOMEWHERE IN THE APOCRYPHA - Forget grace, I'm saving myself through chapel and daily bible.

SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE APOCRYPHA - Don't smoke. It's just plain evil.

ANOTHER APOCRYPHAL VERSE - If you choose to dance, you will go to hell.  Unless you are completely naked like David, then it's OK.

UNKNOWN - Screw baptism, just be a nice guy.

MATT 21:12-13 - And Stephen Prewitt entered the Lipscomb bookstore and drove out all those who were selling their overpriced books.  He overturned the tables and shelves of the money changers and said, "It is written 'My bookstore shall be called a fair place, but you are making it a den of robbers.'"

still available for a limited time:
Burton Bible Commemorative Bricks - $599.95
(because they're not actually tearing this building down)

Orders can be placed via e-mail by sending your request to Be sure to indicate the number of bricks you would like to purchase and which engravings you would like to have placed on your Commemorative Brick(s). A payment plan will be discussed after the order has been placed. Please allow 1-3 semesters for delivery.

* * * * *

adapted from
**Smokestack Commemorative Bricks**

first: did a little research on college tuition increases.
national average increase for 1998-1999 school year 5%

I am pretty sure there is a law about how much a school can increase its tuition in a year, but I was unable to find it in my brief search, however, In all the news releases I searched, I could find NO REPORT of any school raising its tuition 6%. All I can say is that I am glad to be leaving this ship, cause I do NOT want to be aboard when it sinks.

jonathan ling


This is a reply to Tim.

Of course the basketball team has such a good record, any team would when the play OU-Newark, the School of the Deaf and Blind, and well, you know what I'm talking about. Yes I have to admit, that they did beat Union and Birmgham Southern, but who else did they play?

All I can say is that once they start playing real schools, let's just see how good they are.



Hey everybody, Jason here. I've come to a couple of conclusions:

Numero Uno, the authorities on campus love the Loo for this reason: it allows discussions about controversial issues to last a few issues then die out completely. The Loo was their best friend during the Varnado discussion days. Why should they have had to say anything publicaly? We'd just discuss it for a month or two then it would be over, they thought. And look what happened. . .it died out and those who were infuriated are no longer so, or at least not enough to do anything about it.

Numero Dos, some here on this campus have the Loo confused with a type of media that can actually do something other than inform students. You want an example? Here's one: Johnny99. I'm outraged about grade changing, but I can't do anything about it. Johnny99, all the Loo can do is inform, it can't investigate or take further action, (especially not with names like Johnny99, Concerned Alumni, Death or any other ridiculous name that we've seen signed in the last year). The Tennessean, Channel 2, 4 or 5 could have investigated the grade changing and done something about it (if it were true). You should have gone to them with the names of your sources, the player(s) in question and the professor in question (remember everyone, Dr. Bledsoe said that there was a professor in question) and the specifics of the events. . .they would have personally contacted your coward, spineless resources (if it were true) who didn't want to go on record. They would have taken the story to Crisman and eventually to press or the airwaves (if it were true). But now it's too late. If reporters come here now, and your story were true, the authorities would dodge the bullet by saying, "That was a rumor that was started, but we've discussed it, informed the students that there's been no pressure from a coach or administration member to change a grade, and everything's okay." It's an uphill battle now, isn't it? And the quest for truth is a quite unpopular one.

I say all that to stress that the Loo can only do so much as far as investigative reporting goes. To everyone, go to the reporters when you have a story that needs reporting.

Back to my first point. The death of the discussion regarding Varnado has caused a more serious issue to not even be raised: Brandon Fredenburg's "removal." Most of us heard his chapel talk at the end of the last semester, many of us have had one of his classes, and many of us have spent time with him on at least one occasion. Is there a professor at this school that is "Lighting the Way" better than Fredenburg? Varnado's removal made some sense, his practices weren't consistent with Lipscomb University. But has anyone seen Central Church of Christ using instrumental music? That can't be the reason here.

Why are we letting Fredenburg go? York and Lavender have done a pretty good job replacing Varnado. But who's going to replace Fredenburg? Even if you disagree with everything he says, at least he makes you think and at least he teaches you things that you would never be exposed to in another class here or at your traditional COC. Perhaps that's the problem.

Sorry for the length. I usually try to keep it short.


O.K. I know most of you probably think I'm crazy after reading about strange conspiracies, and so a couple of days later I finally got around to writing this as a clarification. I figured it was best that they appeared in the same Loo so as to avoid a lot of confusion.

My point was this - sometimes paranoia is adaptive, sometimes it is maladaptive. So long as paranoia leads to a quest for the truth (not the truth, but a constantly searching mind, is the important thing), it is adaptive. If fear is based on fact, it is a justified fear and can give the powerless an edge in the struggle for equality. If, on the other hand, paranoia blinds us to fact, it is maladaptive. If we become so convinced that those in power are plotting something large that we look to the sky for its falling, it becomes easier to chip away quietly at the liberties we presently enjoy, however few they may be. Paranoia, fear without basis, is only justified when it prompts investigation. When it prompts isolation, it has become neurotic. Then, it can only serve the interests of those in power.

What does any of this have to do with the Loo? The Loo often becomes a breeding ground for paranoia. I have fathered some of it myself. There is a large difference, however, in claiming that the administration is using so called "brain washing techniques" in an attempt to turn us into good little Republican CofC-ers and claims along the lines of the school being controlled by G. David England and Walt Leaver (my own pet conspiracy theory). Although the first claim seems just as outrageous, it's really not. Every institution uses these techniques, it's not something unique to Lipscomb. Learn to see them, and you'll even be protected from the strange magick of the media. I'll have to explain in a later Loo, as I've already gone on too long.

Before I go, here's some of what I hope to post this semester for educational purposes:
Brainwashing, Boot Camp and the Tyranny of the Majority
Fear of Retribution and the Communication Gap
(probably multi parted)
Onward, Absurdist Politics!

and now, farewell, dear readers.



        You can tell it's getting warm again because the clubbers have been spotted crawling out onto the Student Center steps. Just try to keep a path open to doors and everybody will be happy.

        On another note, and not to cause trouble, but I'd like to let everyone know that there will be a lady who is a Holocaust survivor speaking and answering questions in the college class at Woodmont Hills this coming Wednesday night at 6:30. It promises to be a good evening of learning. Come and join us.

Until "libel" and "liable" are no longer confused,
I am,

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LU#6 "Hospitality Suites"
Volume VI, Number 146

February 15, 2000

The opinions expressed in The Lipscomb Underground are solely those of the particular contributor,
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