LU#16 "Dust Bunnies"
Volume VI - Number 156
May 1, 2000

in this semester's final issue:
business office take
re: LU#15
some good closing comments
some other closing comments
a ghost of Lipscomb's past?

        This is it for the Spring of 2000.  I've got a package here for you that hopefully will be something fun with which to end your semester. (Never end a sentence with a preposition.)  I know, I know. . .you'd like to get LUs year-round, but my friends, we all need a break.  So read this, digest it, do whatever you want with it, and when you're done, take a few months off to get ready for the Fall of 2000.



Jennifer McKibben -

Right On. Though I don't think the general rudeness of the campus offices are because the workers are generally bitter or think that we are incompetent. I think it's because they don't think we matter.

Example - I also was on financial hold when I tried to register. For now I won't even go into the stupidity of waiting in line for 20 minutes to tell be told to go to the business office when I could have gone straight there. My problem was that "they" told me I couldn't register til my parents contacted them and figured out how they would pay. I immediately told them that I am responsible for paying for my college education. The second I said that, the worker became very respectful toward me.

My complaint - Though I know that there are probably a lot of students whose parents pay for their schooling, there are a great number who don't have Mommy & Daddy giving them a free ride. BUT the campus offices assume that Mama and Papa pay, so it's their posteriors that need shining and therefore we, the lowly offspring don't matter.

My advice to everyone. When you go into any of the campus offices be kind when you can. BUT, if you start getting pushed around, push back. Be Respectful when you do it, but let them know that you do have a brain and that you aren't just some Mama's Boy (or Girl).

Austin Bingman




brian gentry,

i will remain anonymous for your own good. i would have to put holes in more than just your nipples


(Summer vacation is going to be great.) rg




Um, Ryan, I was being a bit sarcastic. But I will still sign my "real" name.

Cat B

(I got the joke. . .really.) rg



to cat braun:

see! this is how rumors get started. i've never said anything insulting about california, that's why you've not been able to find it. i've never been to cal, i have friends there, but to my knowledge it has never come up in lu conversation. if you don't agree with something i said, fine, and i'm sorry for the confusion on the name, but i don't believe i've ever insulted anyone or anything in a lu post, and if i did i apologize. :)

yeah bob highrise! you go! catherine is not my real name, and i'm tired of getting picked on because i sign it. i'm sorry, but there are worse things to worry about than who i am. i think everyone should focus a bit more on the issues instead of the witty or not-so-witty pseudonym signed at the bottom.




To Torment and Alexander

First Alexander, If you want help in kicking the crap out of torment and death I will be there anytime you need it.

Second Torment, You are a sad individual, and I pity you.

To Bob Highrise

You should always sign your reel name on the LU, otherwise you are cheating yourself. On the LU you express your opinion, and people should not be afraid to voice there own thoughts. Who cares what other people think of what you say it is your opinion. People will take your comments much more seriously if you don't hide behind a fake name. Have some BALLS Bob HIghrise and sign your own name or just go on being a scared little coward like you are.

Brian Harris Gentry




sweet mary, this is it. My final post, be forewarned, this may be long.

first: Bob Highrise, you are the most pig licking, flag burning, spine-not-having, pillow-biting, jello-hating, clinton supporting, camel spitting, electric car-ing, Flatt loving, phallic worshiping, beard-tick mating, weasel eating, toilet stopping, door-slamming, loud phone talking, halitosis spreading, tree hugging, rainbow warrior piloting, french army enlisting, MTV watching, sand packing, cheese boiling, porn downloading, coward I have ever heard to reply to the lu. I should find you and stick my hickory stick so far up your bum that your tongue has splinters and you will be crapping bark until graduation, that is assuming you aren't to afraid to go up to get your diploma. What did those crappy little publications you hold so dear ever have to do with getting anything done? It took real people who weren't afraid to be associated with what they thought was right to fight those battles. No war of the printing press ever solved a problem. It took real people. If Paine was a real hero, then he would have let everyone know that it was a high ranking member of society that was supporting a just cause. You want to hear about retaliation? I can practically guarantee that I have pissed off at least half of the luers, but you know what, NONE of them have attacked me. If you want to be the first, bring it on. Torment and I will take on you and Alexander in a no-holds-barred barbwire and bomb match. You (and all the rest of your little cowardly friends) need to do a few things,

a: lighten up

b: Quit attacking the host. I suggest you read Dave Barry's article on humor impairment. You OBVIOUSLY didn't get the joke.

c: kiss my butt.

I am gone. bye bye. I can't wait to shake Steve's hand and thumb my nose at the Space Phallic. Ryan, keep the good stuff going, and if Bob Highrise (reeeeeeaaaaal original bub) gives you any more trouble, you just point him in my direction.

jonathan ling

(It's been a great run.  Thanks for helping to make it fun.) rg



        It's a funny thing that Ling mentioned Dave Barry's Humor Impairment column, because I've been thinking about using it as a filler for several months now.  Some of you may be saying, "Come on, Ryan, we just had a Dave Barry column a few issues ago."  Sorry.  This is a great one.  Read and enjoy.


        Today we're going to attempt a ground-breaking medical experiment in an effort to help those unfortunate readers who suffer from a tragic condition called:  Humor Impairment.  Don't laugh!  Humor Impairment afflicts Americans from all walks of life.  Look at Richard Nixon.  Here's a man whose sense of humor was so badly stunted that he was forced, at White House social functions, to wear special undershorts equipped with radio-controlled electrodes so that his aids could signal him, via electric shocks, when he was supposed to laugh.  Sometimes, if the guests were unusually witty, the chief executive wound up twitching like a fresh-caught mackerel as dangerous voltage levels were reached in his boxers.

        So it is possible for a Humor Impaired person, through courage and determination, to overcome his handicap, and maybe even someday, like Mr. Nixon, attain the ultimate political achievement of not getting indicted.  But before we can treat Humor Impairment, we have to be able to recognize it.  It can affect anyone.  YOU could have it.  To find out whether you do, ask yourself this:  What was your reaction to the first paragraph of this column?  Did you think:  "Ha ha!  That Nixon sure is a geek, all right!"  Or did you think:  "This is offensive, cheap, crude, and vicious humor, making fun of a former president of the United States, a major public figure, an internationally recognized elder statesman, just because he is a geek."

        If you had either of those reactions, you are not Humor Impaired, because you at least grasped that the paragraph was supposed to be funny.  The Humor Impaired people, on the other hand, missed the point entirely.  They are already writing letters to the editor saying:  "They wouldn't use electric shocks!  They would use hand signals!"  Or:  "Where can I buy a pair of undershorts like that?"  Trust me!  I know these people!  I hear from them all the time!

        In fact, that's how I got the idea for the ground-breaking experiment.  I had received a large batch of Humor Impaired letters responding to a column I wrote about Mister Language Person, and I was asking myself:  How can I respond to these people in a humor column, when they don't understand that it's supposed to be humorous?  That's when I came up with my ground-breaking idea.  You know how some TV shows are "closed-captioned for the hearing impaired," meaning that if you have a special TV set, you can get sub-titles?  Well, I though, why couldn't you do that with humor?

    So the rest of this ground-breaking column will be close-captioned for the Humor Impaired.  After each attempted joke, the humor element will be explained in parentheses, so that you Humor Impaired individuals can laugh right along with the rest of us.  Ready?  Here we go:

        Many readers were upset about a recent column by "Mister Language Person,"  the internationally recognized expert (NOT TRUE) who periodically answers common language questions submitted by imaginary readers (HE MAKES THE QUESTIONS UP).  All of Mister Language Person's answers are intended to be as accurate (NOT TRUE) and informative (NOT TRUE) as is humanly possible while still containing words such as "booger."  ("BOOGER" IS FUNNY.)  No item is ever allowed to appear in Mister Language Person until trained grammarians have indicated their approval by barking at it in an excited manner.  (THOSE ARE NOT GRAMMARIANS.  THOSE ARE HIS DOGS.)

        Although I had thought that the Mister Language Person column met the usual high standards of accuracy (EVERYTHING IN IT WAS WRONG), it contained an item that attracted a very large amount of mail from astute readers (SARCASM:  THESE PEOPLE APPEAR TO BE MISSING KEY BRAIN LOBES) (NOT LITERALLY) who saw that, in one of the items, something was wrong.  Yes!  In a column that was basically a teeming, writing mass of wrong answers, these keen observers were somehow able to detect:  a wrong answer.  (HEAVY SARCASM.)

        The item that virtually all of these readers focused on was the one where an imaginary airline employee asked whether it was correct to say "A bomb has been placed on one of you're airplanes" or "A bomb has been placed, on one of you're airplanes," (THIS IS NOT REALLY HOW AIRLINES HANDLE BOMB THREATS) (AS FAR AS WE KNOW) and Mister Language Person replied that the correct wording was "A bomb has been placed IN one of you're airplanes."  (GET IT?  IT'S STILL WRONG!! HA HA!)  Many readers felt that this answer was incorrect and took time out of their busy and rewarding careers in the demanding field of food chewing (PROBABLY NOT TRUE) to write letters containing quotes such as -- I am not making these up (HE IS NOT MAKING THESE UP) -- "I was shocked with the grammar" and "Never have I seen such a mistake in grammer" and "I sure hope you remember this small bit of information, being as you are a writer you should have known it already."

        Well, readers, I've researched this issue carefully (NOT TRUE:  HE DRANK A BEER), and although this is not easy for me to say, I have to admit it:  Your right.  Thanks for "straightening me out."  This job would not be the same without you.  I mean it.  (HE MEANS IT.) 


Hello all LUers, Hemingway here for one last submission before I graduate on Saturday.  I have flipped through some of the back issues of this year and we have covered quite a bit of topics.  The Underground is an invaluable place for Lipscomb and will always will be in the future.  It is a great way to keep up with history in a sense.

Below I have included a letter, which I sent in my Senior Survey packet.  I find it appropriate to share with the LU at this time.  I believe that this letter effectively communicates my feelings about Lipscomb as I leave this quaint institution between Belmont Boulevard and Granny White Pike.  Take a look and I hope it stimulates some critical thinking.


"Although there was not a place available for students to express their concerns in words, I would like to take this opportunity to voice my displeasure with the current administration.  I find the proclaimed "Vision and Values" of President Flatt for the next millennium to be highly offensive.  Anytime God's Will is equated with the donation or the accumulation of wealth; it is obviously used to justify one's monetary and political advancement.  To say that Lipscomb University is prospering, because God is on our side is blasphemous and completely contrary to the message of the Gospel.  The present administration has perverted the Christian message into saying that God blesses his children with wealth and possessions.  

"More specifically the release of Dr. Varnado and the move of our athletic program to NCAA D-1 were politically and financially motivated.  It is a crime against the name of Christ to call this institution Christian, while it continues to pursue secular goals.  Lipscomb University was not on the side of truth, justice, and openness in these two particular issues, but instead the administration chose the path of deception.  I can only pray that Lipscomb University will veer away from the wide path that leads to destruction.

"I will forever be indebted to this university even though I am gravely disappointed in the direction this institution is going.  The people I met and the experiences I gained here will be with me for the rest of my life.  The things I have learned have been rooted in self-sacrifice and love for one's neighbor.  These are visions that should drive Lipscomb University and carry it into the 21st century.  Unfortunately, I find that greed and the accumulation of possessions are increasingly motivating the present administration. 


Jonathan Hemingway"




Deat LUers,

As a year as past and I haven't written in at all that I can think of I feel I must at least say something. Having been at The University of Tennessee, Knoxville the past two academic years and away from Nashville and Lipscomb, where I have spent the better part of my life. I seemed to have found a new appreciation for what Lipscomb is. The problems that are written about in the LU are quite trivial to me. I have decided to Lipscomb in the Fall so that I can finish my degree in business administration on a Christian campus with people who are trying to find the truth. I look forward to returning to Lipscomb in the Fall. So folks appreciate what you have. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I guess you could say I had to go sow my wild oats or the brights lights of the big university lured me, but anyway the prodigal son is returning home so to speak (hahaha.) See you all in August.

Until High Rise is co-ed and Don Meyer is president of Lipscomb University,

Brad Fitch




Hey Torment
Allen Bell tower...11:59p.m. May 3 come alone bring milk, cookies, and lots of band-aids. We gonna' have some fun boy.

until torment gets some balls and shows up,
I am Alexander

(The "I kicked Torment's butt" t-shirts will be on sale on May 4th.) rg



The Postin' Place

For those of you who are sticking around Nashville this summer:

The Southpaw Jones Aggregate
May 27, 9:00pm @ Guido's

(mark this one on your calendars
and click on the pictures for more information about Southpaw)




I swear to my grave that this is true...

     I live on the backside of High Rise where I am able to watch the construction and progress of the new parking garage everyday.  Every morning I am awakened by the beeping of dumptrucks and moving of bulldozers as they rip up the old parking lot.  What I saw on Tuesday morning disturbed me greatly...I am not sure who to tell what I saw without getting someone or the school in trouble.  Hopefully, someone will read this and know what to do about it.
     On Tuesday morning, I woke up at 7:15 just like I do everyday.  As I was coming from my shower, I looked out of my window to see the construction crew hard at work.  Right as I was about to leave for class, I heard some of the workers outside start yelling.  All of the machines stopped and it became silent outside. I thought this was odd, so I looked out of my dorm window to see what had happened.  I saw all of the workers standing in a circle.  I thought maybe someone had been hurt, so I went out of my room to look out of the hall window.  I had trouble seeing what they were standing around until one of the workers moved over. Then, I could see as clear as day what it was...a skeleton, a human skeleton.  Not an old one either. It looked like it hadn't been there long.  I tried to wake up my roommate to show him, but by the time he crawled out of bed, the workers had it covered with a blue tarp...
     I have no idea what to do now.  Yes, I could tell Clay Nicks, my R.A. or even Steve Flatt, but do you know how stupid I would look?  No one would believe a story like that.  And just think, even if the school already knew about this, do you think they would let anyone know?  Of course not.  If the news got a hold of it, the headlines would read, "Skeleton Found on College Campus." Parents would bring their kids (and money) back home.  Stories and rumors would circulate around campus for years like, "did you hear about that 20 year-old skeleton of a missing student they found under the old High Rise parking lot?"  The bad publicity from this would cause numerous problems for the school over the next couple of years.
     I am writing this in hopes that someone will investigate this and do something about it. 

A High Rise Resident

(You don't suppose. . .nah.) rg



        LUers, it's been a (insert the adjective of your choice here) year.
  I'd like to thank the Senior LUers who have been a part of this thing for even longer than I have.  Marcus, Ling, Hemingway, and all the rest of you seniors who are leaving for the great beyond:  thanks a lot for contributing to the LU's success.  The LU will miss you.  Hopefully we'll find some new voices that can take your places.  Good luck out there.

        (Host's note:  Do not reply to anything in this issue.  If you do, I will read it, laugh if it's funny, and then delete it.  There will not be another issue this year.  If you want to adjust your subscription [change or cancel], write in at any time over the summer.  Thank you.)

        As the year closes, don't forget to remember the positive things that have happened this year.  Thank your professors and tell your friends that you appreciate them.  The relationships are the best part of Lipscomb, if you ask me.  But I digress. . .

        Finally, have a great summer (especially you, CB & tres).  If you're taking classes, I'm sorry.  If you're working, have a good one.  If you're doing neither, I hope it rains on you every day.  To those of you not coming back to Lipscomb, see ya.  To those of you who are coming back, I look forward to seeing you/hearing from you in the fall.  The LU will be back.  We are the "force to be reckoned with," (a not-so-wise man once said, but not about the LU).  So until then, have some fun, hit the LU-site every once in a while, sign the guest book when you're there, and have a good time away from the usual school grind.  See you in late August.

Until taking 2 out of 3 finals is an option,
I am,

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LU#16 "Dust Bunnies"
Volume VI, Number 15
May 1, 2000

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