LU#14 "Don't eat the muskrats or the poinsettia au gratin"
Volume VI - Number 154
April 18, 2000



prepare yourself for:
re: LU#13
financial hassles. . .again


         Admit it, a week was too long to wait for the next LU.  But never fear, there are two constants at Lipscomb: chapel and the LU, and I'm only responsible for bringing you one of them, and here it is.



I have heard bad stories about financing and registering for classes in the past, but they were just that: stories. But two weeks ago, I had a run-in with one of the financial henchmen at registration.

When I went to register for classes on Wed. April 5th, I went through the line and had a financial hold on my account. Well, I went to the lady doing the financial stuff and she wasn't going to let me register over $100.00. Not only that, but she insulted my by saying, "I guess your parents didn't budget well enough." Then she acted like she was doing me a big favor by letting me register. Considering my parents and I pay full tuition for me to come here, $100.00 seems like a drop in the bucket and no reason to make an insult.

The generally condescending attitude that the financial office has had with me in my three years here gives me a feeling of inferiority that I don't think I should get at a Christian school. Just wondering if anyone else had the same problem the last time around.

With fear of further penalization, I am,

(An isolated incident?  Read on.) rg




I feel like it is my obligation to write in and ask the question, "What the heck was going on with registration?" I went upstairs, like I have done for the past six semesters, scanned my schedule scantron, and then the lovely lady behind the computer told me that I was on financial hold and that I had to get in another line. First of all, I was confused because I could think of no reason for me to be on hold. Then, I had to wait in a line for an hour because there were twenty people in line, and only two personnel from the business office to assist the students. When I finally sat down in the chair, utterly confused, I was greeted by the stone cold face of a very bitter woman. After giving her my social security number, she rudely informed me that my parents owed LU $2000.00. She then asked "why in the world my parents were paying such a low monthly payment, and maybe they just didn't plan well enough." For her to imply that my parents were bad financial planners was rude, but then I told her that it had to be a mistake. She looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "Well, that is what it says in my computer, and until you take care of it and I get some money, you cannot register." I was so mad that I could have spit! So when I called home and informed my parents, they said that the business office was wrong and that they would take care of it, which they did. But I still had to register a day late, and this far into my education I can't afford to have any of my classes closed because of a mistake that the business office makes and then blames me for. Was this a problem for anyone else? I am paying too much for the business office to start screwing with my bill.

I would sign my name, but I don't want to owe them my second born child, along with the first one that I already owe!

(FI 1113 Financial Planning for Parents.  Look for it in your catalog next year.) rg




Brett, I would just like to say, thank you for your calm and rational argument.  It is the arguments like yours that actually get heard, and I hope it gets the respect it deserves.



I would like to thank the following people for their comments made in the previous LU...

Brett, I agree with your comments about the club issue.  It seems to me silly that a club at this university would not want one of their sole purposes to be to encourage and lift each other up to be examples of Jesus and to hold each other accountable for their actions. 

Metz, I don't know you, but your heart is in the right place and I feel your frustrations...

Jonathan, The whole network thing here is terrible.  I have friends that go to Vandy, and they have NO websense over anything good such as:  AOL Instant Messenger, Napster, ftp's of any kind...  Why is our Computer Center so up tight?  I'm sure right now there is some kid in Tokyo trying to hack his way into the Lipscomb mainframe as we speak.  I think there are some people in LCC who need to find something else to do rather than to MONITOR our Internet usage to discover what to block and what not to. (By the way, the fantasy sports games are NOT gambling)

Clabbers and Indendents, hear me, I understand that not everything you do will directly involve Christian ideals directly because as travelers on this sinful earth, we are separated from him in order to make a living and so forth.  However, if EVERYONE keeps Jesus as their main focus on their hearts and minds, then my friends, we have integrated Jesus, OUR savior, into our world.  Whether your world be one that exists in a social club, as an independents, as a worker, in a marriage, it doesn't matter.  If we all love God together (and I mean truly, love) than the disagreements involving this issue are redundant and meaningless.  And for the comments surrounding the bidding process, Jesus never forbade people to join him, did he?

To all the members of the greatest CLUB of all, The Family of our God.
I am,

Little Ricky



I wholeheartedly agree with you Brett. Thanks for speaking out. I must say that I have the highest respect for you as a person and for your comments. May God be glorified in all we do on this campus. (this is a personal challenge for myself as well as for everyone else.)

Sean Harrell





I am not afraid of your idle threats. I challenge you to find me.




To Death and Torment

You both are so cool. I wish I could be as cool as you two. Stop clogging up the LU with your stupid little game! Have some balls and sign your reel name.

Brian Harris Gentry




Death and Torment

Why don't you guys go play patticake while the rest of us remain in the real world.

Slick Eddie




Well Ryan, you've managed to shut ME up. That's right, just stop sending me the Underground, and I can't write in it anymore, right? I really do appreciate that. This is the fourth issue in a row that has not been sent to me. That even after I went back to your homepage and re-subscribed. And I thought this was a free forum for all to express their views no matter how stupid. Guess I was wrong.

You really might want to send the Underground to people who subscribe for it, or some people just might start to get pissed off. If this wasn't done intentionally, I'm sure you'll correct the problem. But, like I said, I even went to the homepage a couple weeks back and re-subscribed, so I don't think that idea is an option. I am forever damned to wander the earth, screaming in silence with the shades of the night, over and over again "I want my underground! I want my underground!"

And my call will forever go unanswered. (Notice the clear reference to that Dire Straits song that says "I want my MTV." That's something we here at Lipscomb could say too.)

No, but seriously, I know you didn't do it on purpose. Just joshing with ya, Ryan. I still think Donald Cole should have gotten Professor of the year award. And, by the way, let's see that this doesn't happen again (the whole thing with not sending me the LU). And yes, this is a post. Out.

Until I get my next issue of the Underground (translation: infinity years), I am


(A rare, honest mistake, and it's been corrected.
p.s.  You know me, always trying to shut the students up and submit to the authorities.  Dang-it.  You've blown my cover!!!) rg



Mr. Language Person on nitches, yores and defective sea lions

It is with great verisimilitude that we present another installation of "Ask Mister Language Person," the column that answers your common questions about grammar, punctuation and unwanted body hair. This is the ONLY language column to receive the coveted Lifetime Bathroom Pass from The American Society of University Professors Who Are Never in Their Offices.

We will commence the onset of today's column by beginning with our first question, which concerns a basic rule of business grammar:

Q. What is the proper way to begin a formal letter?

A. The proper beginning, or "salutatorian," for a formal business letter is: "Dear Mr. Or Ms. Bob Johnson As The Case May Be." This should be followed by a small dab of imported mustard.

Q. What if the person's name is not "Bob Johnson"?

A. Then he or she will just have to change it.

Q. What is the correct way to conclude a formal business letter to a cable-television company?

A. "I Spit On Your Billing Department."

Q. Like millions of Americans, I cannot grasp the extremely subtle difference between the words "your" and "you're."

A. Top grammar scientists are often confused by these two words, which are technically known as "bivalves," or words that appear to be identical and have hinged shells. The best way to tell them apart is to remember that "you're" is a contraction, which is a type of word used during childbirth, as in: "Hang on, Marlene, here comes you're baby!" Whereas "your" is, grammatically, a prosthetic infarction, which means a word that is used to score a debating point in an Internet chat room, as in: "Your a looser, you morron!"

Q. What about "yore?"

A. That refers to "the days of yore," when there was a lot of yore lying around, as a result of pigs. Also in those days, men would augment their personal regions by wearing "codpieces," which were pieces of actual cod.

Q. Yuck.

A. Yore telling us.

Q. What is the correct usage of the word "compunction?"

A. It may be used as a medical term ("a compunction of the left exterior vestibule") or in the name of a rock band ("DeWayne Hurlmont and the Compunctions of Soul")

Q. Speaking of music, does it make you suspicious that "Barry Manilow" and "Busta Rhymes," in addition to sounding EXACTLY alike, have "conveniently" never once appeared on stage together?

A. It is time to end the charade.

Q. While viewing ESPN's Sept. 18 broadcast of the Indiana-Kentucky football game, did you hear an example of language usage so excellent that it caused you to spew beer from your nose?

A. Yes. The color commentator referred to a former coach as "a living legend when he was still alive."

Q. Can you give some other examples of powerful language, sent in by alert readers?

A. Certainly:

Trudy McDaniel sent in the instructions for putting together an Ikea desk, which state: "It is advisory to be two people during assembly."

Doug Gordon sent in the instructions for a set of Tama brand drums, containing this warning: "Stay away from the drum set if an earthquake occurs."

Dave Zarrow reports that he saw a sign making this appealing offer: "I Lost 40 Lbs. In Two Months! Call For Free Samples!"

Joe Bays sent in a glossy color brochure for the American Standard "Cadet II" model commode, featuring the slogan: "Get more out of your toilet."

Sandra Bowers sent in a story from The Akron Beacon-Journal headlined "Police find man dead to death in motel."

Paul Morrill sent in a story from The Santa Cruz County Sentinel, concerning a man who was arrested when he attacked some sea lions "because they constantly defected on his boat."

Jeanne Reed sent in a bulletin from Weatherby Health Care, a physician-placement firm, with this headline: "Born and Raised in the Midwest, This Very Talented Surgeon is Looking for his Nitch Back Home."

Q. You hate it when a surgeon loses his nitch.

A. Let's hope he didn't leave it inside a patient.

TODAY'S "TIP" FOR FICTION WRITER'S: To make your writing more vivid, insert a literary device.

WEAK: "Detective Jake Turmoil slowly opened the door to the killer's room."

STRONG: "Detective Jake Turmoil slowly opened the door to the killer's room and a metaphor sliced off his head."




Jeff Wilson is a good RHD.

Jeremy Swallows

(I'll back ya on that one.) rg




        thanks for your well thought out reply.  my statement about your club was made for one purpose, so you would write back and say that I don't understand because I am obviously not in your club.  I have nothing against your club.  I have friends in your club.  But now you know firsthand what it is like for someone to make an uninformed inference about your club.  It sucks, doesn't it. 




and now, it's time for. . .

[presenter enters, stage left]

        "Good evening.  The First Annual Undies Award Presentation is almost complete.  Before I present the final awards of the evening, the Lipscomb Undie Committee has asked me to state the following: 

        'We have other awards to give out, but unfortunately they go to people who signed really stupid names instead of their real names, so they can't be given because we don't know who they are, nor do we care.  Among the awards that cannot be given, the "I'm somehow frightened to sign my own name and don't know why" Award, the "I think I'm cool by signing a stupid fake name" Award, the "Yes, Ryan, I know you and other hosts have pleaded for me to sign my real name but just don't have the cajones to do that" Award, and finally, the "My entire point set forth in my reply is hereby negated and baseless by signing my fake, doesn't-even-resemble-a-real name" Award.'

        Moving on.  I'd like to take the next few moments to review some Undies that were given earlier in the evening:

[presenter takes last envelope, opens carefully]

        "The previous Undies were, for the most part, for things outside the parameters of The Lipscomb Underground.  The following deal specifically with the workings of The Underground.

Thank you for attending this inaugural presentation of The Undies.  I'd also like to take the time to than the academy (those who took the time to vote).  I look forward to next year, when we can do this all over again."

[presenter exists stage right]


        I'm speechless.

Until that car that's always parked by Granny White
whose alarm goes off every 15 minutes
gets blown into oblivion,
I am,

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LU#14 "Don't eat the muskrats or the poinsettia au gratin"
Volume VI, Number 15
8, 2000

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