LU#1 "WELCOME TO THE
vol. VII, no. 188
August 22, 2001
Welcome back to the LU! As I am sure you already know, this summer has heralded a change in hosts. Ryan Gates is now at Ohio State, and I am his chosen successor to lead the Lipscomb Underground into fall 2001 and beyond.
For those of you who don’t know me, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Daniel Everson. I am the first High Rise resident to ever host the Lipscomb Underground. I am also a Junior, and am not in a social club (not that there is anything wrong with that…). You probably don’t care anyway, so I’ll get down to business.
Without further ado, as I sit here typing this while you’re attending chapel in the square, I present to you the first two LU replies of the 2001-2002 academic year. Enjoy!
After complaining since I've arrived here for my freshman year and having no one listen to me, my RA finally told me that this alleged "Lipscomb Underground" is a place where I can voice my complaints and people would listen. After exploring the website I decided I would try to submit. I hope my submission is one of the ones chosen for the "Underground"! The first problem I noticed when I arrived here was that we are not allowed MTV. I would rant and rave about this but after reading past issues of the "Underground" I see this topic has been through the wash. Instead, I would like to bring a controversy to your attention that involves MTV and this so-called "Quest" team: Why is it that if this school is so opposed to MTV that the Best of Lipscomb (the "Quest" team) supports MTV by playing games such as Singled Out? This is actually a very cruel thing to do to us freshmen. They rob us of MTV and then tease us with Singled Out. This clearly makes everyone involved or with any connection to the "Quest" team a deceitful hypocrite. Sure, I expected to get picked on since I'm a freshman, but not by the very people who are supposed to be there to help me. I have also heard rumors from upperclassmen that this "Quest" team only acts like they are your friend during Advance, Quest, and maybe the first week of school, then they act as if you don't exist. It will be interesting to see if this is true. Also, why is it that they only had beautiful and charming people on this "Quest" team. They are all a lot of fun, but I know not everyone at Lipscomb is that way. I would have preferred to have had a few normal or even a few ugly people on the team instead the of the Lipscomb poster children. They would have been much easier to approach.
I know that a lot of hard work went into Quest and Advance and please understand that I am not trying to bash anyone, I'm just expressing how I see things through my eyes.
The Lowly and Tormented Freshman
(I didn't go to Singled Out myself, but what about Steve Neil doing the bump and grind at the hypnotist?) DE
From the office of his most royal and authoritative majesty, the one whose rebukes mark the end of a peaceful night’s rest for those who are full of hot air, the slayer of the flaming dragon of doctrinal idolatry, and the brightly polished mirror that reflects stupidity back to its source, Pope Bubba IX.
It has been a long summer since I last spoke at you from my pulpit deep within the bowels of the earthly purgatory known as Lipscomb University.
First off, congratulations to whomever pushed the arena farther toward completion. While the outside is complete, it is rumored that there are many interior areas where work has not yet been finished. It is truly exceptional to see that a Church of Christ school builds a building the same way it attempts to change a life (by starting with the external appearance and then working on the inside, if and when it is convenient).
Second, the lines for final processing could have passed for a wonder of the ancient world (of course, they were formed yesterday, which doesn't exactly count as ancient - you might end up being personally ancient by the time you got through them, however). From a hidden location in the computer center (I was posing as a Macintosh, since no one uses them anyway…), I noted that there were enough people in line to constitute a fire hazard in addition to furnishing a nice reverberating background roar. Could it be that financial aid sought to increase the length of the line until it was long enough to go around the computer center? If so, were they doing it in order to break a record, or were they simply hoping to march everyone around the building enough times to make it come crashing down on the servers that house the new administrative software? The real question is this: Would anyone blame them if they did?
Third, I would like to announce that there will be a new support group forming for those who engaged in mixed swimming or other low-grade carnal sins over the summer. There will be a video showing, entitled “The truth about lust”, which was produced by an old, shriveled monk who has not visited the outside world since he was four. This is a required prerequisite for all freshmen that will be attending chapel during the fall semester, in order to prepare them for other lessons on various “evils”, taught by people who know little about them.
Fourth, to all freshmen who are reading this. We are glad you are here, but be warned - I am an obnoxious, arrogant fifth-year senior whose sole reason for existence is to get under the skin of close-minded people. If you are not one of those, congratulations, you won’t need my help to get your head out of your rear. If you are, I’m sure we'll butt heads at some point in the future, so let’s just enjoy our time of peace while we have it. Remember, you may someday become the very kind of person your parents always warned you about.
Fifth, there is now a penalty for painting the Golden God of Mammon in the square. Does this mean that we can now commence with plans to paint the bell tower? I've heard the free speech suppression fee (otherwise described as a fine in Lipscomb’s propaganda) will be going to a charity (DLU administrative golf fund?).
Sixth, and finally, congratulations to Everson for being chosen as the new host of the LU. We all expect that you will do a fine job. Hopefully you (and your sense of humor) will remain as twisted as the rest of us.
Until everyone is a fifth-year senior when they graduate, I am
My Excellency, Pope Bubba IX
(Welcome back, Pope, I'm looking forward to your replies this semester.) DE
This cheesy filler is a bit long, I admit it, but it is undeniably important. Those High Rise residents who passed my door on the way to the laundry room last year will surely be familiar with the basic tenets set forth here. For the rest of you, if this is your first exposure to Smurf Communism, be prepared for a very shocking eye opener. You’ll thank me later.
Men Under a Red Father
Seen as the alien evil for so long in democratic countries. The public has been
unaware that for so long their children have been exposed to communist ideas and
regimes in a median as innocent as a childrens cartoon show.
Was Peyo (the
genius behind the smurfs) simply creating a children's television show, OR was
he simply trying to pass his communist ideals down to a new generation?
Think about the man in charge of the Smurfs, Papa Smurf. Is it just a coincidence that he
wears a RED hat and RED trousers? Also consider the similarities in appearence
between Karl Marx, the founder of the communist ideals, and Papa Smurf.
All of the
smurfs look exactly the same (with the exception of Papa Smurf and Smurfette).
They all have white hats, white trousers and are blue. This is just like the
Marxist theory of a classless society where all men and women are treated as
equals and are comerades.
Vanity smurf. Is he not a
homosexual? Continually in the smurf society Vanity was put down. This was to
indicate to the people that in communist dictatorships, homesexuality would not
built on the idea that no man is better or worse off than any other. Private
buisness is disallowed and all workers work to benefit the country as a whole.
In the Smurfs village all of the smurfs have their own individual jobs to do. No
Smurf is regarded as being better than any other smurf. Every smurf has their
own job to do, which benefits everyone in the community. Handy Smurf makes the
houses for everyone to live in, Jokey Smurf keeps everyone happy, Brainy Smurf
has a lot of technical knowledge. The Smurfs have no currency and every thing is
shared equally between them. It is nearly impossible to tell one smurf from
another. This demonstrated the idea of total equality and that every member of
the society was as important as the others. Communists were often depicted as
using violence as a way to sort out their problems and get what they want. In
keeping with that portrayal the Smurfs have no qualms about using their
"Magic Dust" to stop people aggressing against them or to retrieve an
object which they desire.
Think about what Smurfs are portrayed in a positive light. Handy Smurf, the worker (which
illustrates the rise of the working class to power) and Hefty Smurf, the
soldier. Also look at which smurfs are portrayed negatively. Greedy, who eats
too much, and Vanity, who contributes absolutely nothing to society.
Another of the
Smurfs negatively portrayed is Brainy Smurf.
biggest enemy was Gargamel, the representation of Capitalism in Smurf Land.
Well, that wraps up the first LU of the year. I want to encourage you to tell incoming freshmen and random people on the street about this great bastion of student expression. It is one of the few we have left, since the ban on Bison painting has taken effect (not that the ban has actually stopped Bison painting. I see that the clergy, whoever they may be, have already struck.)
If you have received this by accident, let me know if you don’t want to be on the list to receive the Underground. I don’t want to force it on anyone against his or her will. On the other hand, like Ryan said in the past, if one of your friends thought enough about you to have this sent your way, you ought to give it a chance. Try it out. You just might find you like it. By the way, if you’re reading this online and want to subscribe or write in to express your opinion about anything, just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I will put you on the distribution list, and publish your replies. I will also answer any questions you may have about the Underground, so don’t be bashful.
One parting thought (or shot, depending on how you look at it): Papa John’s pizza has come under “new management”, and as a result, our student discount on pizza has been mercilessly stripped away. If they think they can get by with charging more, they will do it. If you buy pizza from them, they will naturally think they can get away with it.
Therefore, I implore you to blacklist Papa John’s pizza. Do not buy from them! If you want pizza, order from someone else. If we boycott them for a few weeks, they’ll get the point. If they can make more money with the discount in place than they are now, they’ll see that fact and go where the money is. So support the ban on Papa John’s pizza, until we are once more treated fairly! $6.50 I can afford… eight or nine bucks is a different matter completely.
Until the second coming of Ryan, I am
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LU#1 "WELCOME TO THE UNDERGROUND!!!"
vol. VII, no. 188
August 22, 2001
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